we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
it's like iHOP with fire
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
