i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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