; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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