Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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