I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
