I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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