So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
