When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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