I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
