she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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