He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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