all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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