im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
