you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
