I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
