i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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