By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
