please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
