Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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