i don't like sucking hair
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
