Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
