Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
