Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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