I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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