It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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