Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
