At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
