Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
