I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
