i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
