peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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