I need help removing her.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
