i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
