I am puke
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
God, I missed his penis.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
