I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
