My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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