You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
