She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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