trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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