when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
