You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
