Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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