I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
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Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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