is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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