Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
