i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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