dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
