Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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