just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
