Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
