Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
