he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
