i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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