Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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